By Hartnell Chanot
The Internet is awash with sites offering a cheap quickie divorce - but couples beware - get it wrong and you could be paying a lot more in the long run. Although they may seem a bargain at first sight, On-line and DIY divorces offer limited value. Although they may seem a bargain at first sight, On-line and DIY divorces offer limited value. Frequently the figure quoted does not include the court fees and people who take this route are often under the misconception that financial claims cease when a decree absolute has been granted. Once divorced, unless a court has made a final order dealing with the finances, your (former) spouse can continue to make financial claims against you, even against income or assets acquired after separation or even decree absolute.
The most common situations where problems can arise are financial maintenance, property disputes and pensions. For example, after divorce, your ex may find that they are unable to support themselves financially and they now require financial maintenance from you. Disputes can arise over property that was not sold or transferred on divorce; and some couples divorce without making any arrangements regarding their pension.
We are already seeing supermarkets such as Tesco selling DIY Divorce kits, claiming they can "Provide everything you will need to reach a suitable settlement", except in reality they do not provide any form of guidance for parties to reach an amicable agreement over financial and children issues and more importantly, how to negotiate financial claims between husband and wife.
By not concluding your financial matters during and after divorce, couples can face the serious consequences of paying a lot more in the long run to rectify the mistakes made. Without a Consent Order, a legal document drafted by a solicitor, all potential claims in relation to property whether solely or jointly owned, and claims in relation to income, capital and pension - remain available to both parties and you could be faced in the future with a claim by your ex-spouse demanding a share of your assets, long after the divorce. None of these issues are made apparent in a cheap DIY divorce. The Solicitors Family Law Association believes that a DIY divorce could be disastrous.
It is very unwise to use any service that does not give fully qualified legal advice. Much of a solicitors expert advice is to allow clients to know what they are entitled to from a divorce and this depends very much on the circumstances of each and every individual case. Family solicitors not only look at how to divide capital, but income and maintenance entitlement as well as pensions.
In order to understand what would be considered by the court to amount to a fair settlement, it is vital to exchange and have a full understanding of the family's complete financial information as without full disclosure of your spouse's financial position, you can be unaware of your spouse's financial circumstances and could end up severely disadvantaged. Some couples decide to split everything "equally, i.e. 50/50", which may not be appropriate where there are children, where one spouse earns a lot more than the other and where there have been unequal contributions in the past. So, if you are considering a divorce, what can you expect?
The division of finances remains one of the biggest worries alongside how to work out arrangements for children when a marriage breaks down. There are no specific rules about how assets should be divided but the courts generally give first consideration to the welfare of any children, which in practical terms, means ensuring that they are suitably housed. The court uses a whole range of criteria to determine how the assets should be divided, such as length of marriage and earning ability.. Where children are involved, the courts always give priority to the partner who will be the main carer.
To achieve a realistic picture of ones financial situation, it is important to make a list of all the assets and debts of both parties including: the net equity in the house, surrender values of any endowment policies, current values of any savings, shares, unit trusts, investments, other property, cars, antiques, jewellery etc and the "transfer value" of all pensions of both parties. If either party has any business interests, they will need to be valued and three years accounts are required.
It also helps to think about any important financial or other contributions that you brought to the marriage, such as giving up a career to look after children. The courts will also takes into account a number of factors, including the reasonable needs of each party, the parties' earnings and earning capacity, financial obligations and state of health, and the standard of living enjoyed by couples before their divorce. It is important to remember that a specialist family lawyer can help couples reach an agreement about finances saving a lot of time and emotional distress, and that a court can only divide up what is actually available.
The importance of legal advice
Divorce is a sensitive matter and a very personal issue, and there is no substitute for seeing someone face to face. The divorce itself is often a small part of the range of matters which need to be addressed when a married couple split up, and issues such as where and with whom the children are to live, whether one of the couple needs protection and how to find enough finances to go around two households tend to need careful thought and advice.
Although a divorce can seem a daunting and traumatic process, Family Mediation, Collaborative Law and Counselling can all play an important part in making the process easier, and in turn enable couples to take control of their own separate destinies in the aftermath of a break-up and retain an amicable relationship with their former spouse for the sake of any children.
Before, or during, divorce proceedings, you may want to use a mediation service. Mediation is not an expensive layer of professional advice to consider on top of solicitors' bills, but an alternative as a way of negotiating with your spouse with the help of a neutral an independent mediator using your solicitors to make any proposals you reach binding. Mediation can help you and your partner reach joint decisions about arrangements for the future and it is a quicker cheaper and constructive alternative to having decisions made for you by the courts. However, mediation is not a substitute for legal advice. You will be encouraged to consult a solicitor alongside the mediation process to advise you on the personal consequences of your decisions. At the end of mediation, the proposals you have reached can be used as the basis for a divorce settlement, or a legal separation agreement.
Collaborative law is another such alternative in which a couple and their lawyers make a commitment to resolve all issues without litigating the matter in court. If at some stage during the process one or other wishes to go to court then neither of the couple can use the lawyer they have instructed collaboratively, so that there is quite an incentive to work matters out for all concerned. All negotiations are carried out in face-to-face meetings with both lawyers present, and the approach is a search for fair solutions for all concerned. Collaborative lawyers can bring in external assistance for the couple such as independent financial advisers and relationship consultants / psychologists if a couple are getting stuck in their deliberations or need some help to talk matters through away from lawyers.
A divorce is not something that should be dealt with over the computer, or picked up off the shelf of your local supermarket. You only get one chance at getting it right, and dealing with divorce properly is investing in your financial future. No two divorces are the same and any financial settlement will have lifelong implications for you and your children. You only get one chance at getting it right.
About Hartnell Chanot & Partners - Award winning Hartnell Chanot & Partners is one of the largest specialist family law practices in the UK. The firm provides expert legal advice to people affected by a family breakdown, divorce or separation and is recognised as a leading firm in this area by independent sources. Its website http://www.hartnellchanot.co.uk contains a vast amount of freely available information to help families across the UK and Internationally deal with the numerous issues arising from a divorce, separation or family dispute.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce For Parents
By James Lehman
An important note:
Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families, which can be very effective in helping kids come to terms with what's going on. All of these options should be considered. I hope this article will offer some useful ideas, but I want to stress the fact that it is not meant as a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children.
There are as many types of divorces as there are types of families, and each family creates their own little theater in which the divorce is acted out. For some families, divorce emanates from the adults not being able to get along, solve problems or communicate effectively. In other families, the divorce is the recognition that things are not working for the good of everyone involved. In certain families, divorce is a way to get out of an abusive or destructive relationship, in which case those children ultimately benefit psychologically, even though they will still face fears and even feel loyalty toward the offending parents.
The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown. When kids get anxious about the future, they have an unconscious mechanism that tells them their parents will take care of whatever it is that's bothering them. They do this often and without thinking about it. Divorce can be considered traumatic because it overpowers the children involved. They don't have the tools or the experience to manage the overwhelming feelings and changes that are happening in their lives. They tend to deal with them in different ways, depending upon what the personality and nature of the child is. "Fear" is often the core feeling they have: Fear that they're going to lose things they have, and fear that they're not going to have things they want. What you'll see in some cases is that one child will buckle down and do OK in school, and the other child will give up and stop working. These two very different reactions may even occur in the same family. What that means is that one child is dealing with his fear and insecurity through isolating, while the other child is focusing on external things like schoolwork and sports. Some children deal with their fear and anger by acting their emotions out and striking out at others. One withdraws into the fort; the other goes out to meet the enemy.
The major emotions involved with divorce are fear, anger, and grief. The general fear for children is that things are changing and they don't know what they're changing into. The anger is that they have no control or power over the situation. And grief emanates from the very real fact that the family they knew has perished. It's as if it died, and they must, over time, grieve that family. As a parent, you will see the behaviors that characterize anger, fearfulness and grief. The anger might be viewed through verbal or physical acting out, through increased oppositionality and defiance, behavioral acting out in school, or anger and frustration taken out on other siblings or the residing parent. The fearfulness manifests itself through a process of shutting down. Kids will isolate emotionally and physically, spending more time in their rooms or out of the house. They may appear more secretive. They are withdrawing into themselves because of some instinctual feeling they have that this is the best way to protect themselves. And you'll see kids act out the stages of grief. They may bargain with their parents and try to figure out how to keep them together, they'll be in denial about the significance of the divorce; they'll be angry about what it means to them and eventually, if it's a healthy grieving process, they'll come to accept it, but that takes time and work. No matter how the kids handle the divorce, they generally don't want to talk about it to either parent, which creates problems for parents who desperately want their children to understand what's going on from their perspective.
Kids draw their strength from a variety of sources, but most of all from their parents and their family system. When kids are younger, their parents and family are their sole source of strength. As they develop, school performance, friends and sports become sources of strength, depending upon the individual child. So the first thing parents have to understand is that when the divorce is announced, the kids are going to experience a lot of insecurity about what the future holds. Parents may also feel that insecurity themselves, but they feel empowered to manage it. Children are completely dependent. It's a sad fact that many children go into poverty after a divorce because the money that used to support one household is now going to support two. The biggest cause of poverty among single parent families in America is divorce. So it puts fear in children. They wonder "What's going to happen to my parents? Are we going to have enough food? Will I have clothes? Can I still go to the mall on Fridays? Will we be able to do the same things?" These questions all float around in the kids' heads. Some fears have to do with the well-being of the parents and of the family, and some are age appropriately self-centered. And parents will do well to focus on these things when they talk to the child about the divorce.
Develop a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
Single parents have to develop a culture of accountability in their home once the separation or divorce has taken place. A "culture of accountability" position is one that says, "You are still accountable for your behavior here at home." So no matter what else is going on outside the house or whatever feelings the child is having, including those that come from legitimate sources, the child is responsible for his or her behavior. I would say that being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time. Remember, it's during tough times that we need reliable structure the most. Limits, accountability, parental support, outside support when necessary-these are all part of a culture of accountability in the family. Kids experience a whole range of emotions when a separation and divorce occur. Remember that "divorce" and "separation" are legalistic terms. Once one parent moves out, the kids' adverse emotional experience begins, no matter how it's labeled.
Have structure that clearly sets out the responsibilities of each child, outline the way they have to treat each other and the way they have to treat you as the parent. Make sure the limits are clear. Issues such as curfews, use of phone, computer and TV time, expectations around schoolwork and other commitments should all be kept very clear. Hold kids accountable for not meeting their responsibilities. And don't let things slide because of your divorce. You certainly don't have to be punitive, but you have to be consistent. Be available to your kids if they want to talk about the divorce or any other subject, and let them know you're available to talk about things without specifically citing the divorce. Seek outside support when necessary. Certain types of counseling can be very helpful to kids who are experiencing the feelings of grief after a divorce. Also, if children are older and they test the limits by being physical or threatening, do not hesitate to call the police. There are many situations where kids sense a vacuum of power, and they will try to fill it if the parent does not. This can be especially troublesome in families where there is an adolescent, or families where the children don't reside with the parent who was the primary limit-setter.
Do's and Don'ts of Parenting after a Divorce
There are many "do's" and "don'ts" for parents after a divorce, but here are a few that I think are crucial:
Don't push kids to talk about the divorce if they don't want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.
Do hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they're acting out because of the divorce, they'll still be held accountable for their behavior.
Don't talk negatively about the other parent. It's never a good idea.
Don't jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. That may soothe your sense of loss, but for kids, it's only confusing and frustrating
Don't try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce. They may act "adultified," but they are not little adults.
Do acknowledge that things have changed.
Don't share all your fear, anxiety, anger resentment or grief with your children. They're not at a level of development where they can handle that. Often, it makes them feel like they have to take care of you, and that's not a good position for them to be in.
Do family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change. Don't do it democratically. Don't ask for opinions or votes. It's not helpful to kids to put that responsibility on them.
"Dad lets me do it at his house."
As I mentioned, a single parent has to develop the culture of accountability in their household. What happens at mom's house or dad's house is none of your business, except in cases of safety. Do not let it become part of your child's alibi system. When your son or daughter says, "Dad lets me do this at his house," tell them that they'll have to wait until they get back to Dad's house until they do it again, because in your home there are consequences for that behavior. You may feel frustrated with the way your ex parents your children, but don't try to control what goes on in the other parent's home. That's a dead end street. There are many situations where parents cooperate with each other after the separation or divorce, but let's face it, people divorce because they don't like each other any more, so cooperation can only go so far.
Another issue is that many ex-spouses tell their children details of the marriage that you would rather they didn't know. This is a common occurrence and parents have to work on not giving it power. First of all, if you show your child that this information has power over you, that child is going to use it in certain situations. So the idea is to say something like, "Whatever your mother says at her house, just discuss it with her. This is not a place to talk about it." I personally don't think you should discuss specifics about the divorce. I think you should say, "That's Mom's opinion. You'll have to talk to her about that. In my house, I don't blame your mother, and I don't let her blame me." Understand this: Separation and divorce usually don't occur or don't emanate from a peaceful, easygoing marital situation. There are often occurrences such as strong arguments and fights, blaming, cursing, and bad feelings which precede the actual separation or divorce. For better or worse, kids have witnessed what's occurred and they will know the truth. Parents who use the "Culture of Accountability" model teach kids that using excuses and blaming others does not justify their inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.
If you teach your children not to make excuses and not to justify inappropriate behavior, they will be better prepared to identify when the other parent is using excuses and justifications to explain their behavior.
When is family counseling in order?
Family counseling is a very tricky issue. Some therapists will say that it should not include both parents because it is artificial, and helps kids promote the normal fantasy that their parents will get back together. On the other hand, there are therapists who believe that even if there's a divorce, the family should address it as a whole system. There are a lot of variables that come into play when deciding which course to take with which therapist. One thing is clear-your child should have the option of seeing someone, but they should not be forced to if they're managing the divorce effectively. If your child is having behavior problems which either stem from or are intensified by the divorce, the help should be based on him or her learning to manage the problems and feelings underlying the behavior.
My opinion is that therapy should be flexible enough to involve everyone in various combinations, but still avoid involving sessions with both the parents and the children present unless absolutely necessary. Before those sessions, strict ground rules and agendas must be agreed upon by both parents. Remember, it is very likely the differences in perception, interpretation, and behaviors which led to the divorce in the first place could be acted out in the artificial situation. In some cases, kids will not want to participate in these types of therapeutic activities. In my experience, if kids are managing the divorce and the other areas of their life well, they should not be pushed to be involved. On the other hand, if they're having behavioral or academic performance problems, behavior management therapy should be on the menu.
Divorce carries an inherent risk of damage to the children involved. The more quickly the adults going through the divorce take responsibility for being parents instead of spouses, the better the chances the children will have of adjusting to the new reality of their lives.
For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.
The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
An important note:
Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families, which can be very effective in helping kids come to terms with what's going on. All of these options should be considered. I hope this article will offer some useful ideas, but I want to stress the fact that it is not meant as a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children.
There are as many types of divorces as there are types of families, and each family creates their own little theater in which the divorce is acted out. For some families, divorce emanates from the adults not being able to get along, solve problems or communicate effectively. In other families, the divorce is the recognition that things are not working for the good of everyone involved. In certain families, divorce is a way to get out of an abusive or destructive relationship, in which case those children ultimately benefit psychologically, even though they will still face fears and even feel loyalty toward the offending parents.
The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown. When kids get anxious about the future, they have an unconscious mechanism that tells them their parents will take care of whatever it is that's bothering them. They do this often and without thinking about it. Divorce can be considered traumatic because it overpowers the children involved. They don't have the tools or the experience to manage the overwhelming feelings and changes that are happening in their lives. They tend to deal with them in different ways, depending upon what the personality and nature of the child is. "Fear" is often the core feeling they have: Fear that they're going to lose things they have, and fear that they're not going to have things they want. What you'll see in some cases is that one child will buckle down and do OK in school, and the other child will give up and stop working. These two very different reactions may even occur in the same family. What that means is that one child is dealing with his fear and insecurity through isolating, while the other child is focusing on external things like schoolwork and sports. Some children deal with their fear and anger by acting their emotions out and striking out at others. One withdraws into the fort; the other goes out to meet the enemy.
The major emotions involved with divorce are fear, anger, and grief. The general fear for children is that things are changing and they don't know what they're changing into. The anger is that they have no control or power over the situation. And grief emanates from the very real fact that the family they knew has perished. It's as if it died, and they must, over time, grieve that family. As a parent, you will see the behaviors that characterize anger, fearfulness and grief. The anger might be viewed through verbal or physical acting out, through increased oppositionality and defiance, behavioral acting out in school, or anger and frustration taken out on other siblings or the residing parent. The fearfulness manifests itself through a process of shutting down. Kids will isolate emotionally and physically, spending more time in their rooms or out of the house. They may appear more secretive. They are withdrawing into themselves because of some instinctual feeling they have that this is the best way to protect themselves. And you'll see kids act out the stages of grief. They may bargain with their parents and try to figure out how to keep them together, they'll be in denial about the significance of the divorce; they'll be angry about what it means to them and eventually, if it's a healthy grieving process, they'll come to accept it, but that takes time and work. No matter how the kids handle the divorce, they generally don't want to talk about it to either parent, which creates problems for parents who desperately want their children to understand what's going on from their perspective.
Kids draw their strength from a variety of sources, but most of all from their parents and their family system. When kids are younger, their parents and family are their sole source of strength. As they develop, school performance, friends and sports become sources of strength, depending upon the individual child. So the first thing parents have to understand is that when the divorce is announced, the kids are going to experience a lot of insecurity about what the future holds. Parents may also feel that insecurity themselves, but they feel empowered to manage it. Children are completely dependent. It's a sad fact that many children go into poverty after a divorce because the money that used to support one household is now going to support two. The biggest cause of poverty among single parent families in America is divorce. So it puts fear in children. They wonder "What's going to happen to my parents? Are we going to have enough food? Will I have clothes? Can I still go to the mall on Fridays? Will we be able to do the same things?" These questions all float around in the kids' heads. Some fears have to do with the well-being of the parents and of the family, and some are age appropriately self-centered. And parents will do well to focus on these things when they talk to the child about the divorce.
Develop a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
Single parents have to develop a culture of accountability in their home once the separation or divorce has taken place. A "culture of accountability" position is one that says, "You are still accountable for your behavior here at home." So no matter what else is going on outside the house or whatever feelings the child is having, including those that come from legitimate sources, the child is responsible for his or her behavior. I would say that being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time. Remember, it's during tough times that we need reliable structure the most. Limits, accountability, parental support, outside support when necessary-these are all part of a culture of accountability in the family. Kids experience a whole range of emotions when a separation and divorce occur. Remember that "divorce" and "separation" are legalistic terms. Once one parent moves out, the kids' adverse emotional experience begins, no matter how it's labeled.
Have structure that clearly sets out the responsibilities of each child, outline the way they have to treat each other and the way they have to treat you as the parent. Make sure the limits are clear. Issues such as curfews, use of phone, computer and TV time, expectations around schoolwork and other commitments should all be kept very clear. Hold kids accountable for not meeting their responsibilities. And don't let things slide because of your divorce. You certainly don't have to be punitive, but you have to be consistent. Be available to your kids if they want to talk about the divorce or any other subject, and let them know you're available to talk about things without specifically citing the divorce. Seek outside support when necessary. Certain types of counseling can be very helpful to kids who are experiencing the feelings of grief after a divorce. Also, if children are older and they test the limits by being physical or threatening, do not hesitate to call the police. There are many situations where kids sense a vacuum of power, and they will try to fill it if the parent does not. This can be especially troublesome in families where there is an adolescent, or families where the children don't reside with the parent who was the primary limit-setter.
Do's and Don'ts of Parenting after a Divorce
There are many "do's" and "don'ts" for parents after a divorce, but here are a few that I think are crucial:
Don't push kids to talk about the divorce if they don't want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.
Do hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they're acting out because of the divorce, they'll still be held accountable for their behavior.
Don't talk negatively about the other parent. It's never a good idea.
Don't jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. That may soothe your sense of loss, but for kids, it's only confusing and frustrating
Don't try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce. They may act "adultified," but they are not little adults.
Do acknowledge that things have changed.
Don't share all your fear, anxiety, anger resentment or grief with your children. They're not at a level of development where they can handle that. Often, it makes them feel like they have to take care of you, and that's not a good position for them to be in.
Do family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change. Don't do it democratically. Don't ask for opinions or votes. It's not helpful to kids to put that responsibility on them.
"Dad lets me do it at his house."
As I mentioned, a single parent has to develop the culture of accountability in their household. What happens at mom's house or dad's house is none of your business, except in cases of safety. Do not let it become part of your child's alibi system. When your son or daughter says, "Dad lets me do this at his house," tell them that they'll have to wait until they get back to Dad's house until they do it again, because in your home there are consequences for that behavior. You may feel frustrated with the way your ex parents your children, but don't try to control what goes on in the other parent's home. That's a dead end street. There are many situations where parents cooperate with each other after the separation or divorce, but let's face it, people divorce because they don't like each other any more, so cooperation can only go so far.
Another issue is that many ex-spouses tell their children details of the marriage that you would rather they didn't know. This is a common occurrence and parents have to work on not giving it power. First of all, if you show your child that this information has power over you, that child is going to use it in certain situations. So the idea is to say something like, "Whatever your mother says at her house, just discuss it with her. This is not a place to talk about it." I personally don't think you should discuss specifics about the divorce. I think you should say, "That's Mom's opinion. You'll have to talk to her about that. In my house, I don't blame your mother, and I don't let her blame me." Understand this: Separation and divorce usually don't occur or don't emanate from a peaceful, easygoing marital situation. There are often occurrences such as strong arguments and fights, blaming, cursing, and bad feelings which precede the actual separation or divorce. For better or worse, kids have witnessed what's occurred and they will know the truth. Parents who use the "Culture of Accountability" model teach kids that using excuses and blaming others does not justify their inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.
If you teach your children not to make excuses and not to justify inappropriate behavior, they will be better prepared to identify when the other parent is using excuses and justifications to explain their behavior.
When is family counseling in order?
Family counseling is a very tricky issue. Some therapists will say that it should not include both parents because it is artificial, and helps kids promote the normal fantasy that their parents will get back together. On the other hand, there are therapists who believe that even if there's a divorce, the family should address it as a whole system. There are a lot of variables that come into play when deciding which course to take with which therapist. One thing is clear-your child should have the option of seeing someone, but they should not be forced to if they're managing the divorce effectively. If your child is having behavior problems which either stem from or are intensified by the divorce, the help should be based on him or her learning to manage the problems and feelings underlying the behavior.
My opinion is that therapy should be flexible enough to involve everyone in various combinations, but still avoid involving sessions with both the parents and the children present unless absolutely necessary. Before those sessions, strict ground rules and agendas must be agreed upon by both parents. Remember, it is very likely the differences in perception, interpretation, and behaviors which led to the divorce in the first place could be acted out in the artificial situation. In some cases, kids will not want to participate in these types of therapeutic activities. In my experience, if kids are managing the divorce and the other areas of their life well, they should not be pushed to be involved. On the other hand, if they're having behavioral or academic performance problems, behavior management therapy should be on the menu.
Divorce carries an inherent risk of damage to the children involved. The more quickly the adults going through the divorce take responsibility for being parents instead of spouses, the better the chances the children will have of adjusting to the new reality of their lives.
For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.
The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
Monday, August 23, 2010
Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Children
By Karl Augustine All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.
As a parent, you should know your children better than anyone...use your best judgment with your children during considering divorce. This "divorce and children" article is for parents who are certain that they would get a divorce if they didn't have children and want to decide what to think about regarding the effects a divorce would have on their children.
Children of divorced parents can actually live wonderful lives as long as the parents use proper judgment and create the right types of interactions between themselves and with each other.
This article on this web page does not suggest that divorce is the correct course of action for you and it in no way should be taken as a form of counseling to you. This article is merely to spark you to think logically and then make your own decision about divorce and your children.
As previously stated, every child is different and subsequently, every child responds to divorce in a different way.
If you think there's a definitive answer about how divorce affects children, you are mistaken. There's been hundreds of books written about this subject and a plethora of studies done regarding divorce and children, all citing differing opinions and using different statistical constraints and inputs. But, statistics can only go so far...if you know your children better than anyone else, you will know best how they'll be affected by a divorce.
How divorce affects children and what you should do if you're staying married solely because you have children is complicated issue.
Here's some things you may want to consider if you're a parent who is staying married just because you have children:
Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are, in fact, only staying married just because you have children.
Often times people use the children as an excuse not to get a divorce because they aren't really sure that they want a divorce or have some other fear regarding divorce. Those fears can be present due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements, or other personal issues.
Before you really take the next steps in deciding whether or not to get a divorce because of your children, rank your reasons for divorce and make sure that you're really certain you'd get a divorce if you didn't have children.
Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure 'guilt' isn't the real reason that you aren't getting a divorce.
The 'guilt' referenced above is the guilt brought on by thinking that your divorce will hurt your children. In and of itself, this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven't really examined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect on your children. If you aren't getting divorced because of guilt in this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that is affecting your children, then you aren't really staying married for them, you're staying married for you because you feel guilty...this is selfish.
Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you've clearly defined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solely because you have children, examine why you think divorce will adversely affect your children.
Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on children initially, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce will be a negative influence on your children forever.
Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency, the intelligence, the emotional health, and the support they'd need to mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have on them. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorce is worked through?
Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you've really defined what you believe to be negative effects on your children due to divorce, think about what your children's life will be like in the immediate and distant future if you do actually go through with the divorce.
Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain a healthy environment for my children if I do get a divorce?"
One thing that is a critical factor in this decision is the feasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably. If you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, and you both can agree to always put your children's welfare above your own, you will be one step ahead.
Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is necessary to create the right type of environment for your children. Assure that there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.
Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma of a child's life. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce decision. Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done until your're certain that divorce is the best course of action. Getting a divorce without making sure that divorce is the right thing is selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do to your children...after all, they deserve your best effort!
One thing should remain constant...that you and your spouse will always be there for your children, no matter what.
Karl Augustine, Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce". [http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com]Deciding on Divorce [http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/children-and-divorce.htm]Children and Divorce
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Divorce and Its Effect on American Life
By Jenni-Leigh O'Leary
Till death do us not!
Men are cheaters, women are naggers, and divorce has skyrocketed affecting the way the world is now run. "I love you" is substituted with "I hate you" and martial vows have become lies. Economically challenging, emotionally and mentally damaging, and over all tragic, Americans are suffering from relationships gone bad. Youthful marriages are more frequent and less valued. Drug addiction is always a growing concern and is also invading martial life. Marriages are also suffering from the destruction of adultery. One has to wonder weather America can survive the severity of divorce and its effects that are beginning to weigh on the lives of its people. The first topic of discussion concerns youth.
America's youth are beginning to become an important cause in today's divorce statistics. There is a disturbing new trend developing that involves marriage and today's American youth. The trend involves something called "starter marriages". A "starter marriage" is a first time marriage that lasts for five years or less. These marriages typically involve younger adults and produce no children. Some like to think of these "starter marriages" as rehearsals for "real" future marriages. It is America's modern approach to perfecting marriage. However, it is also a huge cause of divorce.
The sad thing about this new and growing view on marriage is that it feeds on low self-esteem, lack of self-respect, and self gratification. Younger women or men who are struggling with family issues, insecurities and emotional distress, may marry for security reasons. Since they may not necessarily be in love with one another, the marriage will most likely result in divorce, but so is drug addiction.
May one's poison be alcohol-related or any other substance abuse, it is a destructible dependence that can quickly rip a marriage apart. Many of those who suffer from drug abuse have a high potential for causing harm to ones self as well as others through violent interactions or accidents. Drug addiction has also resulted in one's loss of dignity, financial stability, motivation in life, and possible death. The affects on a marriage can be devastating. Someone in a partnership, whose perceptions, thoughts, and emotions are constantly altered by drugs, can be severally destructive to the other partner involved. Physical and emotional abuses are very common as well. Emotional distress can be weighing and harmful to a marriage and in some possible tragic cases, death may be the end result. Some people try to get help for their spouses who suffer from substance abuse. Rehabilitation and marriage counseling are often good effective ways to saving a marriage and avoiding divorce. However, if the user is not able or willing to quit their addiction, then their partner has no choice but to do what's best for them as well as their family. The next topic focuses on adultery.
One of the most harmful causes of divorce is the wandering eye of a spouse. Spouses involved with a cheating partner suffer emotionally, physically, and mentally. Divorce is usually the end result. A wandering eye may lead to an innocent conversation, which may lead to a provocative encounter. Traditional signs of infidelity consist but are not limited to; long hours unaccounted for, strange smells, coldness during sex, unexplained expenses, and changes in your spouse's appearance and attitude. When a cheater is caught or suspicions begin to develop, the emotional stress can be lead to erratic behavior. One might spy on the other. Privacy and trust fly out the window, while depression and anger sets in.
Guilt can also eat away at a person. It makes that person stand-offish as well as paranoid to his spouse, even though he is the one who cheated. A marriage can suffer severally from infidelity. Whatever problems a marriage might encounter, adultery is never a good resolution. Divorce is usually the outcome and the emotional damage can lead to future issues. All of these factors are important.
Divorce in America are caused in many various and sad ways. The modern idea of "starter marriages" created by America's youth is definitely an unorthodox cause. Drug Addiction is a serious and growing cause of many marriages turning to divorce. Adultery is harming the value and promise of what marriage truly is. If only more Americans tried not to rush into marriage. If they just took the time to experience what a true relationship consists of before taking the promised step, perhaps divorce rates would decrease and more marriages would succeed!
Divorce in America brings a lot of baggage with it. It affects all that is involved and the consequences can be damaging. The emotional welfare of divorces is unpredictable. Mental stability can be a consequence that can affect the productivity in ones life. Also, children involved in divorces can have a hard time coping with the separation of their parents. Divorce, is not necessarily always negative, but it does always have consequences. The first topic concerns emotions.
The emotional effects of divorce can be traumatic and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics dealt by both the initiator and receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, initiators are likely to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt and guilt. In a case of the receiver, it is not unusual for one to experience shock, betrayal, victimization, and low self-esteem, insecurity loss of control, anger, desire to "get even" and hopes to reconcile. All of these emotions are typically felt and are normal as long as irrational behavior is not influenced. Stages of dealing and coping usually follow divorce and can take up to a couple years to fully get over. As one deals with the stage of divorce, one will try to create ways to distance himself from his partner. Often, this distance develops into fault finding. One will begin to exaggerate every flaw and fault in their spouse's physical being as well as their character. This helps a little in the smoothing process of the separation.
Another common and negative emotion expressed is the desperate need for vengeance. This need is usually fueled by the feeling of being blameless. A lot of energy and planning can go into getting even and the results can be nasty. Both, fault finding and vengeance are not necessary and will hinder the healing process. Positive emotions such as acceptance, taking responsibility of their own actions, focusing on the future, and acting with integrity will be the ones that will influence moving on. Not only are emotions an important factor of consequences so is the mental effects.
Depression is a common mental consequence of divorce. It can weigh heavily on the mind and body. One may start to binge eat to cover the pain or stop eating all together. They may refuse to work, get out of bed, shower, or par-take in any normal activity. The sadness could be so overwhelming that emotional outburst makes the person irritable and unstable. Drastic thoughts of suicide might invade ones mind and life may seem meaningless. Such forms of depression can lead to drug abuse and even hospitalization. When one is dishonored by someone they truly cared about, the damage can be really tragic. The next topic focuses on children.
Children involved in divorces suffer from all types of consequences. Depression, bad grades, and trouble with the law are all common amongst children of divorce. The healing and coping process can be an easy or a hard process depending on the quality of the children's and parent's relationship. Younger children usually suffer from denial when first dealing with their parents divorce. They begin to fantasize that their parents are not truly divorcing or they have reconciliation fantasizes. This falseness of reality results in the children lying not only to themselves but to others.
Abandonment is a huge emotional consequence of divorce. Children begin to think they are divorceable and worry if either parent will even want them. They begin to feel loads of guilt and start blaming themselves that "daddy's leaving".
Somehow, it is something they did or it is their fault that their parents are separating. On top of all the miss-placed blame some children suffer from, they also, at times, are in the middle of nasty custody battles. Parents start to take confidence in their children, talking negatively about the other parent. Examples are things like "daddy is divorcing us", "Momma hates us" and so forth. This can cause a child to form protectiveness over one parent and divided loyalties towards each parent start to form. Anger and hostility can be expressed by children towards other siblings, peers, or parents. School performance can suffer and inward hostility is what is known as depression in children. Adolescences suffer are more likely to act out depression. Sleep and eating disorders, acting out, social avoidance, and physical injury are all consequences of depression caused by divorce. Children will also test a parent's loyalty. They will refuse to talk or spend time with a parent to see what kind of reaction this type of behavior will get. In other words, they will try to seek attention by acting out. Divorce can cause lots of unneeded stress and be harmful to the growth of the children involved. All of these factors are important.
Divorce and its consequences are very harmful to all the people involved in the situation. The emotional distress can cause a person's life upside down. The mental instability can be harmful to not only the mind but the body as well.
Consequences of divorce can be stressful, damaging and overall unnecessary for the children involved. It's a process, few enjoy going through. If only the stages of divorce were enforced in more positive ways, where the adults handled themselves in mature manners and were much more considerate of one another's feelings, perhaps the process of divorce would be less damaging on themselves as well as their children!
Economic effects of divorce are costly all the way around. The divorce itself can be costly. A family collapse with children could lead to increased social costs. Also, parent stereotyping is becoming an economic issue. Money is extremely important, especially when one has a family to provide for. The first topic concerns divorce costs.
Divorce costs vary depending on different factors pertaining to the divorce. Such factors can be the complexity of the case, various martial issues (care, custody, visitation, support, division of assets, debts etc.), location of the parties and/or their respective attorneys etc. Attorneys alone can cost a fortune. The more experienced the attorney the more he/she is most likely to charge. Also, bigger city attorneys tend to be much pricier. There are flat fee arrangements which many law offices may discount. These fees pay for the basic divorce actions. These fees can vary from a couple of hundred dollars and up. A low can be $500.00 to a high of $2,500.00. One should discuss with their lawyer about hourly rates and opportunities for flat fee arrangements. Hourly rates for lawyers can vary from $75.00 to $250.00 and higher. There is also a filing fee that is required (except those that meet or are under the poverty threshold) which is $215.00. If a summons is required that can cost another $25.00 to $75.00. Other costs can include publication costs, deposition costs, GAL (Guardian Ad Item) fees, investigator fees, subpoena fees. Simple divorces can be less pricey with the $215.00 filing fee and $25.00 to $75.00 sheriff costs. Not only are the divorce costs a financial blow but so is the social costs.
Research has discovered that divorce reduces the income of families with children by an average of 40 percent and almost 50 percent of these families live in poverty. It has been revealed by economic and social science data that nearly 75 percent of families in the bottom financial income group have only one parent, while 95 percent of the highest income group are headed by married couples. Also, amongst these research findings the study found three-quarters of all women applying for welfare do so because of divorce or a live-in relationship had ended. Married couples in their mid-50 make more than four-times the wealth of divorced individuals (an average of $132,000 versus $33,600).
Financially, two incomes are definitely better than one. However, in results of a divorce, separation leads to independence and single parents are forced to replace the missing income. Many single parents are forced to get jobs, get second jobs or take on more hours at the office. The results are overworked, stressed out parents who are increasingly unable to "be there" for their children. Kids in these situations are forced to grow up under their own supervision or guidance depending on their age group. The next topic focuses on parent stereotyping.
Single parent women have been told emphatically that they have little or no value in American society. Society has tried to convince women that they constitute a moral, social, and economic problem to America. The deliberate intent of this blasphemy is to keep women in what is known as the "morally correct" family system where the women attend to the children and the men work. However, in the cases of divorce one, some women no longer have the help of a man and the must take her own income. These groups are women are not silent but are silenced in some areas of the world, and denied job opportunities. Obstacles placed in the way of women who are trying to raise a family on their own are little or no government support, little or no societal support, overwork and underpay jobs with little or no advancement opportunities, and benefits or affordable health care. Though the changes in the U.S. economy over the past two years have opened its doors to single parent mothers, women are still fighting in some job areas for quality. All of these factors are important.
Divorce and its economic effects are another issue that complicates life for all involved. Specifically women as numerous researches have found. Divorce alone is extremely costly. Social costs are a big financial issue. Also, stereotyping towards single mothers is problematic. Money becomes a major stress for divorcees. If only society would be more open-minded towards the new morals of today's generation and divorce costs could be decreased a little while government assistance increased a little, perhaps the poverty level wouldn't be so high!
The effects of divorce on American life have numerous impacts. Many of them have negative results. The causes of divorce involving today's youth, drug addictions, and adultery, needs to be seriously addressed. Consequences of divorce such as emotional distress, mental instability, and children effects are getting some attention but could use a lot more assistance and help from society. Financial and Economic problems are a widely overlooked effect which the government should definitely take the time to reconstruct. If America would stop trying to take over the world and take some time to better the welfare of its own people, then American people could deal strongly and efficiently with the many obstacles thrown at them everyday, such as divorce!
-Jenni-Leigh O'Leary
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com
Till death do us not!
Men are cheaters, women are naggers, and divorce has skyrocketed affecting the way the world is now run. "I love you" is substituted with "I hate you" and martial vows have become lies. Economically challenging, emotionally and mentally damaging, and over all tragic, Americans are suffering from relationships gone bad. Youthful marriages are more frequent and less valued. Drug addiction is always a growing concern and is also invading martial life. Marriages are also suffering from the destruction of adultery. One has to wonder weather America can survive the severity of divorce and its effects that are beginning to weigh on the lives of its people. The first topic of discussion concerns youth.
America's youth are beginning to become an important cause in today's divorce statistics. There is a disturbing new trend developing that involves marriage and today's American youth. The trend involves something called "starter marriages". A "starter marriage" is a first time marriage that lasts for five years or less. These marriages typically involve younger adults and produce no children. Some like to think of these "starter marriages" as rehearsals for "real" future marriages. It is America's modern approach to perfecting marriage. However, it is also a huge cause of divorce.
The sad thing about this new and growing view on marriage is that it feeds on low self-esteem, lack of self-respect, and self gratification. Younger women or men who are struggling with family issues, insecurities and emotional distress, may marry for security reasons. Since they may not necessarily be in love with one another, the marriage will most likely result in divorce, but so is drug addiction.
May one's poison be alcohol-related or any other substance abuse, it is a destructible dependence that can quickly rip a marriage apart. Many of those who suffer from drug abuse have a high potential for causing harm to ones self as well as others through violent interactions or accidents. Drug addiction has also resulted in one's loss of dignity, financial stability, motivation in life, and possible death. The affects on a marriage can be devastating. Someone in a partnership, whose perceptions, thoughts, and emotions are constantly altered by drugs, can be severally destructive to the other partner involved. Physical and emotional abuses are very common as well. Emotional distress can be weighing and harmful to a marriage and in some possible tragic cases, death may be the end result. Some people try to get help for their spouses who suffer from substance abuse. Rehabilitation and marriage counseling are often good effective ways to saving a marriage and avoiding divorce. However, if the user is not able or willing to quit their addiction, then their partner has no choice but to do what's best for them as well as their family. The next topic focuses on adultery.
One of the most harmful causes of divorce is the wandering eye of a spouse. Spouses involved with a cheating partner suffer emotionally, physically, and mentally. Divorce is usually the end result. A wandering eye may lead to an innocent conversation, which may lead to a provocative encounter. Traditional signs of infidelity consist but are not limited to; long hours unaccounted for, strange smells, coldness during sex, unexplained expenses, and changes in your spouse's appearance and attitude. When a cheater is caught or suspicions begin to develop, the emotional stress can be lead to erratic behavior. One might spy on the other. Privacy and trust fly out the window, while depression and anger sets in.
Guilt can also eat away at a person. It makes that person stand-offish as well as paranoid to his spouse, even though he is the one who cheated. A marriage can suffer severally from infidelity. Whatever problems a marriage might encounter, adultery is never a good resolution. Divorce is usually the outcome and the emotional damage can lead to future issues. All of these factors are important.
Divorce in America are caused in many various and sad ways. The modern idea of "starter marriages" created by America's youth is definitely an unorthodox cause. Drug Addiction is a serious and growing cause of many marriages turning to divorce. Adultery is harming the value and promise of what marriage truly is. If only more Americans tried not to rush into marriage. If they just took the time to experience what a true relationship consists of before taking the promised step, perhaps divorce rates would decrease and more marriages would succeed!
Divorce in America brings a lot of baggage with it. It affects all that is involved and the consequences can be damaging. The emotional welfare of divorces is unpredictable. Mental stability can be a consequence that can affect the productivity in ones life. Also, children involved in divorces can have a hard time coping with the separation of their parents. Divorce, is not necessarily always negative, but it does always have consequences. The first topic concerns emotions.
The emotional effects of divorce can be traumatic and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics dealt by both the initiator and receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, initiators are likely to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt and guilt. In a case of the receiver, it is not unusual for one to experience shock, betrayal, victimization, and low self-esteem, insecurity loss of control, anger, desire to "get even" and hopes to reconcile. All of these emotions are typically felt and are normal as long as irrational behavior is not influenced. Stages of dealing and coping usually follow divorce and can take up to a couple years to fully get over. As one deals with the stage of divorce, one will try to create ways to distance himself from his partner. Often, this distance develops into fault finding. One will begin to exaggerate every flaw and fault in their spouse's physical being as well as their character. This helps a little in the smoothing process of the separation.
Another common and negative emotion expressed is the desperate need for vengeance. This need is usually fueled by the feeling of being blameless. A lot of energy and planning can go into getting even and the results can be nasty. Both, fault finding and vengeance are not necessary and will hinder the healing process. Positive emotions such as acceptance, taking responsibility of their own actions, focusing on the future, and acting with integrity will be the ones that will influence moving on. Not only are emotions an important factor of consequences so is the mental effects.
Depression is a common mental consequence of divorce. It can weigh heavily on the mind and body. One may start to binge eat to cover the pain or stop eating all together. They may refuse to work, get out of bed, shower, or par-take in any normal activity. The sadness could be so overwhelming that emotional outburst makes the person irritable and unstable. Drastic thoughts of suicide might invade ones mind and life may seem meaningless. Such forms of depression can lead to drug abuse and even hospitalization. When one is dishonored by someone they truly cared about, the damage can be really tragic. The next topic focuses on children.
Children involved in divorces suffer from all types of consequences. Depression, bad grades, and trouble with the law are all common amongst children of divorce. The healing and coping process can be an easy or a hard process depending on the quality of the children's and parent's relationship. Younger children usually suffer from denial when first dealing with their parents divorce. They begin to fantasize that their parents are not truly divorcing or they have reconciliation fantasizes. This falseness of reality results in the children lying not only to themselves but to others.
Abandonment is a huge emotional consequence of divorce. Children begin to think they are divorceable and worry if either parent will even want them. They begin to feel loads of guilt and start blaming themselves that "daddy's leaving".
Somehow, it is something they did or it is their fault that their parents are separating. On top of all the miss-placed blame some children suffer from, they also, at times, are in the middle of nasty custody battles. Parents start to take confidence in their children, talking negatively about the other parent. Examples are things like "daddy is divorcing us", "Momma hates us" and so forth. This can cause a child to form protectiveness over one parent and divided loyalties towards each parent start to form. Anger and hostility can be expressed by children towards other siblings, peers, or parents. School performance can suffer and inward hostility is what is known as depression in children. Adolescences suffer are more likely to act out depression. Sleep and eating disorders, acting out, social avoidance, and physical injury are all consequences of depression caused by divorce. Children will also test a parent's loyalty. They will refuse to talk or spend time with a parent to see what kind of reaction this type of behavior will get. In other words, they will try to seek attention by acting out. Divorce can cause lots of unneeded stress and be harmful to the growth of the children involved. All of these factors are important.
Divorce and its consequences are very harmful to all the people involved in the situation. The emotional distress can cause a person's life upside down. The mental instability can be harmful to not only the mind but the body as well.
Consequences of divorce can be stressful, damaging and overall unnecessary for the children involved. It's a process, few enjoy going through. If only the stages of divorce were enforced in more positive ways, where the adults handled themselves in mature manners and were much more considerate of one another's feelings, perhaps the process of divorce would be less damaging on themselves as well as their children!
Economic effects of divorce are costly all the way around. The divorce itself can be costly. A family collapse with children could lead to increased social costs. Also, parent stereotyping is becoming an economic issue. Money is extremely important, especially when one has a family to provide for. The first topic concerns divorce costs.
Divorce costs vary depending on different factors pertaining to the divorce. Such factors can be the complexity of the case, various martial issues (care, custody, visitation, support, division of assets, debts etc.), location of the parties and/or their respective attorneys etc. Attorneys alone can cost a fortune. The more experienced the attorney the more he/she is most likely to charge. Also, bigger city attorneys tend to be much pricier. There are flat fee arrangements which many law offices may discount. These fees pay for the basic divorce actions. These fees can vary from a couple of hundred dollars and up. A low can be $500.00 to a high of $2,500.00. One should discuss with their lawyer about hourly rates and opportunities for flat fee arrangements. Hourly rates for lawyers can vary from $75.00 to $250.00 and higher. There is also a filing fee that is required (except those that meet or are under the poverty threshold) which is $215.00. If a summons is required that can cost another $25.00 to $75.00. Other costs can include publication costs, deposition costs, GAL (Guardian Ad Item) fees, investigator fees, subpoena fees. Simple divorces can be less pricey with the $215.00 filing fee and $25.00 to $75.00 sheriff costs. Not only are the divorce costs a financial blow but so is the social costs.
Research has discovered that divorce reduces the income of families with children by an average of 40 percent and almost 50 percent of these families live in poverty. It has been revealed by economic and social science data that nearly 75 percent of families in the bottom financial income group have only one parent, while 95 percent of the highest income group are headed by married couples. Also, amongst these research findings the study found three-quarters of all women applying for welfare do so because of divorce or a live-in relationship had ended. Married couples in their mid-50 make more than four-times the wealth of divorced individuals (an average of $132,000 versus $33,600).
Financially, two incomes are definitely better than one. However, in results of a divorce, separation leads to independence and single parents are forced to replace the missing income. Many single parents are forced to get jobs, get second jobs or take on more hours at the office. The results are overworked, stressed out parents who are increasingly unable to "be there" for their children. Kids in these situations are forced to grow up under their own supervision or guidance depending on their age group. The next topic focuses on parent stereotyping.
Single parent women have been told emphatically that they have little or no value in American society. Society has tried to convince women that they constitute a moral, social, and economic problem to America. The deliberate intent of this blasphemy is to keep women in what is known as the "morally correct" family system where the women attend to the children and the men work. However, in the cases of divorce one, some women no longer have the help of a man and the must take her own income. These groups are women are not silent but are silenced in some areas of the world, and denied job opportunities. Obstacles placed in the way of women who are trying to raise a family on their own are little or no government support, little or no societal support, overwork and underpay jobs with little or no advancement opportunities, and benefits or affordable health care. Though the changes in the U.S. economy over the past two years have opened its doors to single parent mothers, women are still fighting in some job areas for quality. All of these factors are important.
Divorce and its economic effects are another issue that complicates life for all involved. Specifically women as numerous researches have found. Divorce alone is extremely costly. Social costs are a big financial issue. Also, stereotyping towards single mothers is problematic. Money becomes a major stress for divorcees. If only society would be more open-minded towards the new morals of today's generation and divorce costs could be decreased a little while government assistance increased a little, perhaps the poverty level wouldn't be so high!
The effects of divorce on American life have numerous impacts. Many of them have negative results. The causes of divorce involving today's youth, drug addictions, and adultery, needs to be seriously addressed. Consequences of divorce such as emotional distress, mental instability, and children effects are getting some attention but could use a lot more assistance and help from society. Financial and Economic problems are a widely overlooked effect which the government should definitely take the time to reconstruct. If America would stop trying to take over the world and take some time to better the welfare of its own people, then American people could deal strongly and efficiently with the many obstacles thrown at them everyday, such as divorce!
-Jenni-Leigh O'Leary
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com
Friday, July 23, 2010
Online Divorce Kits- Top Five Mistakes
By Angela C. Holmes Online divorce kits are being utilized now more than ever. In today's struggling economy, many people are looking for ways to save money and couples are choosing to represent themselves in their divorces in order to avoid paying high attorney's fees. There are numerous resources available online that provide divorce kits to help you represent yourself in your own divorce. You have to be careful, however, that the kit you choose is accurate and legally sound.
The following are five common mistakes made when using online divorce kits:
Mistake #1: Not properly serving the other spouse
Although many online divorce kits provide you with the documents you need to get divorced, they don't always provide you with proper or thorough instructions on how to navigate the legal maze to obtain your divorce. Many times, they do not give any advice at all about how to make sure your spouse is properly served.
In any lawsuit, all parties must be "served." This means that your spouse must be properly notified of the divorce proceedings. Your spouse must either be personally handed the divorce papers by a constable or sheriff, or she or he has to properly execute a "Waiver of Service." Mailing the papers to your spouse is not proper service. A party can sign a "Waiver of Service" to avoid having to be personally served by a constable or sheriff. However, a very common mistake people make when using a "Waiver of Service" from an online kit is having the spouse sign the waiver before the Petition for Divorce is filed. Many divorce kits fail to tell you that this Waiver of Service must be signed after you file your Petition for Divorce, or it is not valid.
If you show up to court ready to finalize your divorce with all of your documents, and your Waiver of Service was signed by your spouse before your Petition for Divorce was filed, the judge will turn you away and make sure you properly serve your spouse before your divorce can be granted.
Mistake #2: Failing to properly calculate child support
Many online divorce kits do not provide you all of the information necessary to properly calculate the amount of child support your spouse will need to pay. Some services will tell you that the child support amount for 1 child is 20%, 2 children is 25%, etc. Although this is basically true, it does not take into account many other factors that the court must consider. The percentage of child support is calculated from the parent's net resources. This means the parent's take home pay after taxes and after the cost of medical insurance for the child(ren). Also, most online services do not explain that if the parent who is going to pay child support has other children, then the percentage amount of child support will be different.
Mistake #3: Leaving out required provisions in the Decree
Most online divorce kits are provided by national businesses that use cookie-cutter, boiler plate language. This can be dangerous because divorce laws vary from state to state. In Texas, for example, there are many provisions, or statements, that must be in your divorce decree for it to be valid and enforceable. For instance, if you have children, there must be a statement about whether or not there has been a history or pattern of family violence in your relationship in the last two years. Many divorce kits neglect to include this provision and others that are required by law. If you are using a kit to get divorced in Texas, you should make sure your divorce kit is prepared by someone familiar with Texas laws and procedures so that you avoid using a divorce kit that does not include important statements required by law.
Mistake #4: Using an unenforceable order
Many divorce kits provide you with a final decree of divorce that is not enforceable. This means that if one of the parties does not follow the terms of the order (such as visitation or child support), then you cannot take your spouse back to court to enforce the order. In order to hold a party responsible for what he or she has been ordered to do, the order must contain very specific language. The problem with many online divorce kits is that they provide fill-in-the-blank, or "check-the-box" provisions that are not specific enough for a court to hold the party responsible for the terms of the order. This can be very devastating for a parent, for example, to learn that he or she cannot take the other parent to court to enforce a child support order and get paid the money he or she is owed, all because the parent used a poorly written divorce kit.
Mistake #5: Going to court unprepared
Most divorce kits do not give you any specific information about the court you will be filing your paperwork in, what you need to bring with you, or what you will need to say for your divorce to be finalized. Many divorce kits simply send you the paperwork and send you on your way, completely unprepared. If you are using a divorce kit to dissolve your marriage, you must be prepared when you go to court. You should know where to go, what building, what courtroom, etc. You should also have a personalized script that tells you exactly what to say when you testify in front of the judge. You should also know what paperwork you will need and how many copies you will need of each set of papers. Many divorce kits lack these basic instructions, so you must be careful to select a divorce kit that will give you all of the information you need.
rel=nofollow [http://onlinedivorcekits.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/how-to-divorce-yourself-in-texas-online-divorce-kits]Divorce kits can be a great tool to help you divorce yourself. However, it is important that you select a kit that is accurate and legally sound. Choosing the proper kit is very important. If possible, you should seek one that is prepared by an attorney in your state.
Texas Legal Partner http://www.texaslegalpartner.com completes custom legal documents specific to your individual case. All documents are completed and thoroughly reviewed by a LICENSED TEXAS ATTORNEY, which will give you peace of mind knowing that your documents are accurate and legally sound. Find online forms for agreed divorce, divorce kits, online will & testament, and learn how to change your name legally online with Texas Legal Partner.
Many routine legal matters are easy for you to do yourself, but some attorneys charge large fees for their time. Texas Legal Partner will guide you through the process, ensure all your documents are completed accurately, and let you know where and how to file them in Texas all for one reasonable price.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Stop Divorce: "Should You Try To Stop Your Divorce If You're Just Thinking About Getting A Divorce?"
By Karl Augustine Thinking about getting a divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce. Conversely, it could be wise to try to s top your divorce, only you know whether you should. Just because you're thinking about getting a divorce, doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce, although its logical to automatically assume so.
In order to be clear that you really want to stop your divorce if you're thinking about getting a divorce, you should use any or all of the following steps to make that determination:
Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 1: Examine why you're thinking about getting a divorce and clearly define and outline those reasons.
This is a vital part of determining whether you really do want to stop your divorce. It is easy to naturally think you should get a divorce if feel empty, confused, alone, frustrated, etc. But do yourself a favor, figure out what actually has you feeling like you do and write it down. Only then will you be able to decide whether you should make a serious effort trying to stop your divorce.
Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 2: Determine if guilt is seemingly forcing you to think about wanting to stop your divorce of if there's something inside you that really wants to stop the divorce.
Guilt can play a factor when you're thinking about getting a divorce, don't let it be the determining factor for wanting to stop your divorce. If guilt is the major reason that you want to stop your divorce, sit down and re-think everything. Ask yourself if you'll feel sorry for your spouse because you know how he or she will react to your decision to get a divorce. You will know if guilt is swaying you one way or another.
Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 3: Use projection to foresee how how your spouse will react if you try to stop your divorce.
You know whether your spouse will be please or disgruntled if you try to stop your divorce. You have an idea of how he or she will react if you try to patch things up and avoid a divorce. If your spouse will react positively if you try to stop your divorce, you should be happy. You may have a chance to make it work. But, if your spouse will react harshly to efforts to stop your divorce, you should ask yourself why. Figure out what your spouses motivations would be for reacting negatively and determine whether or not its still worth trying to stop your divorce or if you should just develop a plan to part amicably.
Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 4: Think about what your life would be like if you tried to stop your divorce and compare that scenario with what your currently going through.
Figure out what you want out of the situation and decide what you want your future to look like. If you feel that your life will worsen by trying to stop your divorce, maybe you should re-think what your planning. If you feel that you'd like to at least try to stop your divorce, even if its for selfish reasons, then take comfort in the fact that you've at least made the decision to act. Also, ask yourself whether or not the life you want is with your spouse, even if everything turned out exactly the way you planned for it and you were able to stop your divorce.
Ask yourself, "Even if I implement this plan and manage to stop my divorce, is this really the person I want to spend my life with?" The answer to this question will help you determine your course of action.
Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 5: Implement your plan of action to either stop your divorce or plan to get a divorce.
Nothing will change if you don't act. Now that you've decided to work it out or get a divorce, set a plan in motion with your true end goal in mind. If you want to get a divorce, do what you need to in order to get what you need out of the situation...be amicable. You do not want to look back later on and feel like you didn't act in a mature fashion.
If you truly want to stop your divorce, use the right resources to determine the best course of action to do that. Divorce is serious, you should make certain for your sake and for your spouse's sake that you did all you could to stop your divorce...and be happy about it!
© Karl Augustine, 2005
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce" [http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com]Deciding on Divorce [http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/stop-divorce.htm]Stop Divorce
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
How to Stop Divorce and Save Your Marriage Now
By Peter Harris Couples are forever getting divorced. There are a number of reasons that lead to this and people get hurt in the process. If there is anything you can do to prevent this from happening you should consider it, especially if children are involved. If you are in this position you may be wondering how to stop divorce and save your marriage. There are three main steps that you should consider.
1. Saying you've changed doesn't mean you've changed. If you are at fault for what led to the potential divorce then you need to change so that you will not make the same mistakes again. You have to take sincere action and make it so. An example would be if you had an affair it will take time for your partner to trust you again. In order to help with this you may have to let him or her monitor your activities for awhile. You might have to commit to checking in on a frequent basis. This may be difficult for you to do but if you are committed to fixing the relationship this is the commitment you must make.
2. Avoid emotional blackmail. You have to realize that love is not enough to save a marriage. There has to be more to the foundation of a marriage. Trust and respect are two important building blocks of a long lasting relationship. If you've lost these things work on getting them back. If you never had them in the first place you may not have a strong enough foundation to work from. Don't back your loved one into a corner when arguing. For example, never tell your partner that you love them in the heat of an argument. These words mean little when you are both angry. In a way it positions your partner to say it back when they are not prepared to. The words lose their meaning.
3. Don't think that you have to win an argument. Knowing how to stop divorce and save your marriage involves knowing how to compromise. If you feel that you have to always win an argument with your spouse you are creating a defensive atmosphere; not one of mutual respect. It would be impossible to foster a relationship that is healthy and long-lasting when one person is trying to be superior to the other.
This article discusses three steps that you can take to stop divorce. These include taking sincere actions to change your ways if necessary, avoiding emotional blackmail and learning to compromise. There may be alot more to the problems that led you to this point. Putting into practice these three steps can help begin to fix what went wrong.
If you liked this article and would like to learn more about how to stop divorce and save your marriage then click here now: [http://www.helpunderstandrelationships.com]Save Your Marriage
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com
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